Dave Barry = The Man

I share most of his sentiments:

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.